I think it is time to retire this blog and start a new one. I have blogger ADD. I'm ready to purge this one. A Drastical Vagabond journey has not ended, at all. Unfortunately and fortunately all mixed together! But like all good preggo women do, I need to clean house, nest and make room for baby #2.
A new blog to come very soon!
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
Thursday, February 23, 2012
"Do they know God?"
"Mom, what are you reading?"
"I'm reading about Neel and his trip to Uganda."
"What is he doing in Uganda?"
"Well, he helped fix a tin roof and he is spending time with the people there. Loving them like God would love them."
"Do they know God there?"
"Well, some do and some don't. Just like at home. Not everyone knows how much God loves them, so it is our job to let them know. And, the cool thing is that God is so big, and His love is so big that He can love all of us at the same time."
"Do the kids have food?"
"Yes, but not as much as we do. This is why we need to be super thankful for what we do have. And, we need to not waste things, and try new things."
"Are they sick?"
"Some are. And there are kids near home that are sick too. The best thing we can do is pray for them and pray that they will feel God's love."
"What else are you reading?"
"About a boy named Ben who does not have any money for school but now is working on a pig farm (not the total correct details)."
"A pig farm, that is crazy! What else are you reading?"
"That when the people go to church they sit on the ground, they don't have chairs."
"Like at Windy Gap?"
"No honey, more like going to church in a barn and sitting on the dirt."
"Who is there?"
"Jack, Neel & Sarah. Do you think we should pray for them?"
"Yes."
She almost fell asleep mid prayer. Our eyes were filled with tears our hearts exploding with joy and amazement on her 4 year old grasp of who God is. To think, that at 16, I spelled Jesus wrong. At 4, Charlotte is concerned with others knowing God. I am not saying this to brag, but more as encouragement to me and you to have the childlike questions, innocence, and faith of a child. A question can lead to a simple prayer that can make a lasting impact.
www.ekissa.blogspot.com
"I'm reading about Neel and his trip to Uganda."
"What is he doing in Uganda?"
"Well, he helped fix a tin roof and he is spending time with the people there. Loving them like God would love them."
"Do they know God there?"
"Well, some do and some don't. Just like at home. Not everyone knows how much God loves them, so it is our job to let them know. And, the cool thing is that God is so big, and His love is so big that He can love all of us at the same time."
"Do the kids have food?"
"Yes, but not as much as we do. This is why we need to be super thankful for what we do have. And, we need to not waste things, and try new things."
"Are they sick?"
"Some are. And there are kids near home that are sick too. The best thing we can do is pray for them and pray that they will feel God's love."
"What else are you reading?"
"About a boy named Ben who does not have any money for school but now is working on a pig farm (not the total correct details)."
"A pig farm, that is crazy! What else are you reading?"
"That when the people go to church they sit on the ground, they don't have chairs."
"Like at Windy Gap?"
"No honey, more like going to church in a barn and sitting on the dirt."
"Who is there?"
"Jack, Neel & Sarah. Do you think we should pray for them?"
"Yes."
She almost fell asleep mid prayer. Our eyes were filled with tears our hearts exploding with joy and amazement on her 4 year old grasp of who God is. To think, that at 16, I spelled Jesus wrong. At 4, Charlotte is concerned with others knowing God. I am not saying this to brag, but more as encouragement to me and you to have the childlike questions, innocence, and faith of a child. A question can lead to a simple prayer that can make a lasting impact.
www.ekissa.blogspot.com
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Bad Time Management & the Patience of a 4 year old
Okay, so I've done this twice in a week. I've run to the grocery store "real quick" so I won't arrive somewhere early, only to arrive 15 minutes late. Today it was at the expense of swim lessons. I felt terrible. I ran to the grocery store, bought a bunch of refrigerated foods, picked up CZ, and had to run it to the fridge before we headed to swim lessons. I left the store at 4:30, swim starts at 5. What an idiot. I felt terrible.
"Charlotte, I'm so sorry, we are going to be really late for your swim lessons. I made a bad decision."
"It's okay mommy, it happens, it happens. What was the bad decision?" Charlotte asked.
"Mommy had bad time management. I just went to the grocery store, and I should have gone later," I explained.
"Like after swim lessons, that would have been better. But that's okay mommy, we will still be friends. Don't worry about that. These things happen. Next time we will go after. I will still get to see my swim teacher some and my new friend. It's okay mommy."
"Thanks sweet girl. I'll try and make a better decision next time."
"Mommy, I hate to tell you this, but don't drive crazy because the police man might get you. I hate to tell you things like this."
I was speeding. But, I adore my little rule follower. She is so thoughtful and meticulous sometimes. In some ways a lot like me, but not in this way.
We had 7 whole minutes of swim lessons with Mr. Kenneth. And, 30 extra minutes of playing with her "new friend" Noufal (from Indonesia). I had good conversation with his cute mom and had a good reality check of not being selfish with my time. And, CZ said she had "so much" time with her swim teacher and her friend.
Now a few notes on swim lessons....she is loving it! And, getting so much better. CZ is definitely not scared of the water, but also just the right amount of fearful. She gets right in and bobbs around. These are what I see as the accomplishments: completely floating on her back without help, with a noodle she will float on her back and kick the entire length of the pool with a little help, she will kick in the not too deep part (it seems like she is afloat/swimming) but she could still touch, she tries to get toys off of the bottom of the pool (even if she uses her feet so she doesn't have to go all the way under...working on that). And, my favorite part to watch was her playing with her new friend as they threw balls, made up new games, laughed, and talked about Max & Ruby that she watches at Ama's house. Her new friend is in first grade, but they were cute together. I'm proud of her and she is having fun. Last note, she LOVED loved LOVED having Grandpa take her twice last week. It was neat for them to have something special to do together and she adored their time together.
"Charlotte, I'm so sorry, we are going to be really late for your swim lessons. I made a bad decision."
"It's okay mommy, it happens, it happens. What was the bad decision?" Charlotte asked.
"Mommy had bad time management. I just went to the grocery store, and I should have gone later," I explained.
"Like after swim lessons, that would have been better. But that's okay mommy, we will still be friends. Don't worry about that. These things happen. Next time we will go after. I will still get to see my swim teacher some and my new friend. It's okay mommy."
"Thanks sweet girl. I'll try and make a better decision next time."
"Mommy, I hate to tell you this, but don't drive crazy because the police man might get you. I hate to tell you things like this."
I was speeding. But, I adore my little rule follower. She is so thoughtful and meticulous sometimes. In some ways a lot like me, but not in this way.
We had 7 whole minutes of swim lessons with Mr. Kenneth. And, 30 extra minutes of playing with her "new friend" Noufal (from Indonesia). I had good conversation with his cute mom and had a good reality check of not being selfish with my time. And, CZ said she had "so much" time with her swim teacher and her friend.
Now a few notes on swim lessons....she is loving it! And, getting so much better. CZ is definitely not scared of the water, but also just the right amount of fearful. She gets right in and bobbs around. These are what I see as the accomplishments: completely floating on her back without help, with a noodle she will float on her back and kick the entire length of the pool with a little help, she will kick in the not too deep part (it seems like she is afloat/swimming) but she could still touch, she tries to get toys off of the bottom of the pool (even if she uses her feet so she doesn't have to go all the way under...working on that). And, my favorite part to watch was her playing with her new friend as they threw balls, made up new games, laughed, and talked about Max & Ruby that she watches at Ama's house. Her new friend is in first grade, but they were cute together. I'm proud of her and she is having fun. Last note, she LOVED loved LOVED having Grandpa take her twice last week. It was neat for them to have something special to do together and she adored their time together.
Saturday, February 11, 2012
I liked this day...
A family day, and it was sweet!
Starbucks started it off :) Pig tails
kept my baby young. Valentines
made it creative. Friends added fun.
Friends
Friends at 2 & 4:
You chase each other around. You want to sit close to each other and you may even hold hands, while eating. Your eyes stay fixed on the other. On play days, you wake up excited to see each other. Occasionally you hit each other. "Work it out, be nice to your friends, don't tattle, or hit 'em back," is our grown up advise after a few times of playing ref.
You are starting to help each other and watch out for each other. Quick story (that is better coming from Ben) Out to a chick-fil-a dinner with your daddy's you are bribed with playing on the playground. There were too many obnoxious older kids there (one to which daddy Ben had to exchange some words with) that were intimidating. Carter got to the top of the playground and started crying and wanting down. CZ told daddy to go get him. Obviously that wasn't going to work. CZ has only been up to the top a few times, she is pretty timid on playgrounds most of the time. Daddy said, you are going to have to go up there and help Carter get down. Charlotte had a stressed look on her face, let out a big sigh, thought about it, and then went up to help her buddy down. What a feat for Charlotte and what a cute friendship. Up and down the slide they then went. Together.
You adore each other. It is sweet. Just stay like brother and sister, okay?
Friday, February 10, 2012
Be My Valentine
Today, I am excited to get to hang out and create art with 13 high school gals that I adore. Gals that I taught a year ago to six years ago.
My heart feels a little lighter after creating art. I always harp on "art with meaning" is always going to be more successful when I talk to my students. I truly believe this. But, having said that, sometimes it is hard to articulate the meaning behind art after it is complete. The art just seems to exist better as that, art. And, I believe art and a prayer can exist together too.
My heart feels a little lighter after creating art. I always harp on "art with meaning" is always going to be more successful when I talk to my students. I truly believe this. But, having said that, sometimes it is hard to articulate the meaning behind art after it is complete. The art just seems to exist better as that, art. And, I believe art and a prayer can exist together too.
Monday, January 30, 2012
30 weeks preggo confessions
I have eaten over a case of oranges.
I drink caffeine coffee daily, just once daily.
I am dehydrated, I don't think one glass of water is cutting it.
I drink wine when offered, but only one glass.
I take my prenatal vitamins as frequently as I took my birth control pills.
I can devour a bowl of strawberries drenched in sugar.
Famous Amous cookies make my day, each day at noon, on the dot.
I'm begging for a Greek student to bring me baklava.
This kid is so strong. I love his kicks and stretches, even if they come over my ribs,
wake me up, or cause me to make very strange facial expressions.
I love my little hot pepper.
Squirming, jumping, kicking, strong.
I am enjoying being pregnant, for now :)
I drink caffeine coffee daily, just once daily.
I am dehydrated, I don't think one glass of water is cutting it.
I drink wine when offered, but only one glass.
I take my prenatal vitamins as frequently as I took my birth control pills.
I can devour a bowl of strawberries drenched in sugar.
Famous Amous cookies make my day, each day at noon, on the dot.
I'm begging for a Greek student to bring me baklava.
This kid is so strong. I love his kicks and stretches, even if they come over my ribs,
wake me up, or cause me to make very strange facial expressions.
I love my little hot pepper.
Squirming, jumping, kicking, strong.
I am enjoying being pregnant, for now :)
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Openess
Trying to reshape my time on the internet. I think it is just leading to more time on my stupid phone. Oh well. www.momastery.com is my new favorite blog:
"I’d found my thing. Openness. I decided, based on firsthand experience , that it’s more fun to say things to make women feel hopeful than it is to say or omit things to make women feel jealous. And it’s easier, too. Less to keep track of and monitor."
I admire women with a story. I admire brokeness. I appreciate seeing the sloppy, messed up, out of order, non perfect-ness.
I also appreciate people that dream, create, and re-create. I heard a silly Owl City song and it just was goofy. It sounded like a painting.
I don't want to get stagnant. That is a hard sentence to live somedays.
Cheers to living today.
"I’d found my thing. Openness. I decided, based on firsthand experience , that it’s more fun to say things to make women feel hopeful than it is to say or omit things to make women feel jealous. And it’s easier, too. Less to keep track of and monitor."
I admire women with a story. I admire brokeness. I appreciate seeing the sloppy, messed up, out of order, non perfect-ness.
I also appreciate people that dream, create, and re-create. I heard a silly Owl City song and it just was goofy. It sounded like a painting.
I don't want to get stagnant. That is a hard sentence to live somedays.
Cheers to living today.
Monday, January 9, 2012
I want time to stop.
(this was written a few days before the new year, but in order to "post" the present, I think I need to first "post" this...)
I want time to stop.
Not because I’m not looking forward to what’s ahead. But, because I’m scared I’m going to forget all of the sweet memories that this past week has held. These memories have been sacred to me. And, for me that is a big word.
If I wait until I sort through all of the pictures, place captions, and put them in a book I would have to take another week off of work. It makes me sad that I can’t get it all done. I have chosen rest this week. I have stopped. I have snuggled, stared, napped, and relished the time with my Charlotte.
It didn’t start off easy. Nor, do I expect easy to stay. In fact, I’m a little scared of easy. When life is easy, do I really appreciate moments such as these? When time, money, food, shelter is placed in my lap do I really realize the gift of the simple? It is my biggest fear that I will become complacent to these blessings if life ever does become easy again. So, I want to be intentional, at least for this moment to notice them. I am thankful for food, shelter, love, food, family, friends and above all faith.
One week ago today our forever friends Scott and Ericka came into town. This began our week of pure joy. But, first let me back up a week prior. I could back up a year, but a week will probably sum it up.
Two weeks ago today: no kitchen sink, a washer that wouldn’t wash correctly, half installed cabinets, half installed doors, a leaking dishwasher, a half installed bar, some trim started, a new door started in front of the pantry. A ton half done, which was a huge accomplishment. These accomplishments have been such a long time coming. Ben has been working like a dog on this house for two years. Self inflicted work, yes. Some of the work cosmetic, yes. A lot done by himself, yes. It has been torture, it has been difficult, it has been very very hard. There was a month or maybe two that I avoided the house like the plague. Some of this time because I literally could not boil water, if I had wanted to. Some of this time because I had to really talk myself out of a panic attack because of the complete and utter mess. I would try and clean around construction, sometimes joyfully and most times with a half ass attempt and jetting out of the house. My efforts to help were sparse most days. My favorite time of the day in the house was when I could turn out the lights and not see my surroundings. Living under construction sucks. But, I know that there was patience to be learned and many other life lessons I can’t completely put my finger on quite yet. My earnest prayer is now that my house is live-able, host-able, and comfortable that I will share my home. My parents’ house is my sanctuary. It is there where I feel the most loved, supported, excepted and comfy. Sitting at their bar takes my worries away. It doesn’t take red meat to boost my spirits (even though I do love this Monday night treat) but sitting with people that love and except me for me. Sometimes there is advise shared, but usually it is small talk. In this small talk I find comfort. So, back to my home. I want my home to be a sanctuary for someone other than the four people that will soon occupy these quirky, unfinished, walls. Whether it be YL kids, studio kids, family or friends I am not sure, but my life is not my own and I hope through these walls I can provide someone else with a comfy place to just be. When that time is right.
Back to this week. Ben works well under a deadline. And, with a deadline of company, he made our house a home. And, for the first time in a very long time I fell in love with my house. It is still very incomplete, but now, it is very live-able. Charlotte even wanted to stay in the house many of the past few days refusing to go to the studio. That says a lot. For the first time in months or maybe a year, I have been able to rest in my home. This has been a treat.
Christmas 2011: pure joy, too much sugar, giddy giggles, tight snuggles, Buddy the Elf, family, friends, and a home we enjoyed.
Charlotte has been singing, dancing, giddy.
“Tada, I’m going to be a big sister. Today is a big sister day. I’m going to have a brother,” this was the jingle tonight. It warmed my heart as Charlotte brushed her teeth, held my hand tight, and put her head on my growing belly. Moments like this easy my worries about loving two. I already love two, and CZ’s excitement helps.
“I love you mommy, I’m so glad you are my mommy. You are the best in the world. We forgot to pray,” as we snuggled. She fell asleep holding my hand ever so sweetly against her face. It was as if her sweet little three year old self was trying to remember this moment too. A fever left her even more snuggly yesterday, and led to two days of rocking and naps with the pink blanket. She fell asleep in my lap on our swirly chair under the pink blanket. How can a mom’s heart not explode? I felt like it might, especially as little Pepper was kicking us both. I enjoyed holding my babies, enjoying the simple of this moment. Anxious and excited about the next baby, my baby, that will fall asleep in this chair with this pink blanket ever so soon. Wow.
I needed these moments to calm my stressed and anxious soul. I am so aware that I am about to blink and have two babies. My babies. Life is easy with our one. But, God spoke, the “stars aligned” and we are growing our sweet baby boy. Despite all excitement, there are a lot of fears. How can you really love another one well? Will there be other adults that love this baby as well as CZ is loved? This baby is not going to have a room of its own for a while, and it going to have a lot of hand-be-downs. I don’t want him to feel less important or second strand. CZ is calm, easy, happy...will baby number two be the opposite? These worries are spoken by others and by some just implied. I have been more emotional, more of a worry wart, and not quite as comfortable this go round. I feel better just typing that I am scared. So, for 2012, these last three months where I get to carry my baby boy around with me everywhere I go…I am going to try my best to let God calm my worries…fill my spirit with pure excitement, optimism, and complete TRUST that this baby is exactly who God wants us to raise, love, have in our family. This boy is fearfully, and wonderfully made, rest in that truth. Perfect in the eyes of God, and perfect for our family. Let the worries go. Enjoy holding my baby. Smile at the gift of being able to feel kicks, a joy that so many women dream of. And, again trust that God will prepare us to be the best parents for this child too.
“I am adequate in You.” These words pop out to me on something I had written at Laurel Ridge this summer. I am not adequate in my house, I am not adequate if I had enough money, enough friends, or really with a great family. I am adequate in God alone. With God and the truths of who I am as a woman of God, I am complete. I too am fearfully and wonderfully made. God knows every mistake, wrong turn I have made, and He still adores me.
“You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.”
A prayer I prayed at Laurel Ridge, July 2011: “Thank you for opening my eyes to the joy another baby will bring. In your perfect timing, I thank you for the gift to You that one day You will share with Ben & I. I thank you in advance for this.” Wow, pray in confidence. Children are a gift, a blessing to God, a gift to us for a short time. Children are not just our own. They are the God’s and I get to love Paxton, teach him about a God that adores Him and already knows everything about him. There is joy in that.
Ok, onto a different topic. I feel like a college student with a deadline. Charlotte is asleep on the chair beside me, it is 8 pm and I want desperately to not forget all of the events, thoughts, challenges and joys of 2011. I started off just wanting to remember Christmas. But now, I feel like the new year is crashing in!
A few more Christmas thoughts…
A few weeks before Christmas, CZ and I were in the mall. We rounded a corner and Charlotte held my hand even tighter. “There he is, he is real, he really is….I cannot beeeeelieeeeve it!” Grinning and giggling with her hand over her mouth as she saw Santa. What fun.
As Christmas got closer, Santa I think became scary. Buddy the Elf was watching her closely. We told her that Buddy was watching to see if she slept in her own bed or not. (We have really bad sleeping habits, and CZ often sleeps in our bed….we have coined our method the “Willy Wonka” method. We all snuggle up together.) So a few days after we told her that, she said “Buddy can tell Santa I don’t want any toys, I just want to sleep in Mommy and Daddy’s bed.” Ok, melt our heart. We are such suckers. She told this story to a few other people.
One day she whispered to Buddy that she also wanted candy, in addition to the baby doll she told Santa. CZ really didn’t want much at all this year. It was pretty simple and she was thrilled with her doll and new purse.
Christmas stops went something like this: Dinner with Scott & Ericka, Nana & Grandad’s, Christmas Eve at our church, fondue at Mimi’s house, Christmas morning at home, Nan & Pops, Ama & Grandpas, then dinner with the Cornett’s, and dinner with Sarah & Greg. Each stop was rich and sweet, topped with a huge dose of hyper. Charlotte might sum up these as inside jokes from these stops: “Butter pajamas” (Scott); “Papa says Brock doesn’t have a girlfriend, I just don’t think that is right,” “12, 12, 12, 12” Counting cards with Grant & Stacy, racing the new leggos off the stairs with Alex and Maggie, snuggling in matching pj’s with Kayla because “Cousins always get matching pj’s on Christmas, and it’s a favorite part” according to Kayla.
CZ was more smiley, and giddy than I have ever seen her. I wish I could wrap that up and open it up on a rainy grumpy day. She had a blast!
TODAY, I wish I could unwrap that joy, and enjoy it. Enjoy that sweet joy today. Instead, to enjoy Middle School. Time to focus.
I want time to stop.
Not because I’m not looking forward to what’s ahead. But, because I’m scared I’m going to forget all of the sweet memories that this past week has held. These memories have been sacred to me. And, for me that is a big word.
If I wait until I sort through all of the pictures, place captions, and put them in a book I would have to take another week off of work. It makes me sad that I can’t get it all done. I have chosen rest this week. I have stopped. I have snuggled, stared, napped, and relished the time with my Charlotte.
It didn’t start off easy. Nor, do I expect easy to stay. In fact, I’m a little scared of easy. When life is easy, do I really appreciate moments such as these? When time, money, food, shelter is placed in my lap do I really realize the gift of the simple? It is my biggest fear that I will become complacent to these blessings if life ever does become easy again. So, I want to be intentional, at least for this moment to notice them. I am thankful for food, shelter, love, food, family, friends and above all faith.
One week ago today our forever friends Scott and Ericka came into town. This began our week of pure joy. But, first let me back up a week prior. I could back up a year, but a week will probably sum it up.
Two weeks ago today: no kitchen sink, a washer that wouldn’t wash correctly, half installed cabinets, half installed doors, a leaking dishwasher, a half installed bar, some trim started, a new door started in front of the pantry. A ton half done, which was a huge accomplishment. These accomplishments have been such a long time coming. Ben has been working like a dog on this house for two years. Self inflicted work, yes. Some of the work cosmetic, yes. A lot done by himself, yes. It has been torture, it has been difficult, it has been very very hard. There was a month or maybe two that I avoided the house like the plague. Some of this time because I literally could not boil water, if I had wanted to. Some of this time because I had to really talk myself out of a panic attack because of the complete and utter mess. I would try and clean around construction, sometimes joyfully and most times with a half ass attempt and jetting out of the house. My efforts to help were sparse most days. My favorite time of the day in the house was when I could turn out the lights and not see my surroundings. Living under construction sucks. But, I know that there was patience to be learned and many other life lessons I can’t completely put my finger on quite yet. My earnest prayer is now that my house is live-able, host-able, and comfortable that I will share my home. My parents’ house is my sanctuary. It is there where I feel the most loved, supported, excepted and comfy. Sitting at their bar takes my worries away. It doesn’t take red meat to boost my spirits (even though I do love this Monday night treat) but sitting with people that love and except me for me. Sometimes there is advise shared, but usually it is small talk. In this small talk I find comfort. So, back to my home. I want my home to be a sanctuary for someone other than the four people that will soon occupy these quirky, unfinished, walls. Whether it be YL kids, studio kids, family or friends I am not sure, but my life is not my own and I hope through these walls I can provide someone else with a comfy place to just be. When that time is right.
Back to this week. Ben works well under a deadline. And, with a deadline of company, he made our house a home. And, for the first time in a very long time I fell in love with my house. It is still very incomplete, but now, it is very live-able. Charlotte even wanted to stay in the house many of the past few days refusing to go to the studio. That says a lot. For the first time in months or maybe a year, I have been able to rest in my home. This has been a treat.
Christmas 2011: pure joy, too much sugar, giddy giggles, tight snuggles, Buddy the Elf, family, friends, and a home we enjoyed.
Charlotte has been singing, dancing, giddy.
“Tada, I’m going to be a big sister. Today is a big sister day. I’m going to have a brother,” this was the jingle tonight. It warmed my heart as Charlotte brushed her teeth, held my hand tight, and put her head on my growing belly. Moments like this easy my worries about loving two. I already love two, and CZ’s excitement helps.
“I love you mommy, I’m so glad you are my mommy. You are the best in the world. We forgot to pray,” as we snuggled. She fell asleep holding my hand ever so sweetly against her face. It was as if her sweet little three year old self was trying to remember this moment too. A fever left her even more snuggly yesterday, and led to two days of rocking and naps with the pink blanket. She fell asleep in my lap on our swirly chair under the pink blanket. How can a mom’s heart not explode? I felt like it might, especially as little Pepper was kicking us both. I enjoyed holding my babies, enjoying the simple of this moment. Anxious and excited about the next baby, my baby, that will fall asleep in this chair with this pink blanket ever so soon. Wow.
I needed these moments to calm my stressed and anxious soul. I am so aware that I am about to blink and have two babies. My babies. Life is easy with our one. But, God spoke, the “stars aligned” and we are growing our sweet baby boy. Despite all excitement, there are a lot of fears. How can you really love another one well? Will there be other adults that love this baby as well as CZ is loved? This baby is not going to have a room of its own for a while, and it going to have a lot of hand-be-downs. I don’t want him to feel less important or second strand. CZ is calm, easy, happy...will baby number two be the opposite? These worries are spoken by others and by some just implied. I have been more emotional, more of a worry wart, and not quite as comfortable this go round. I feel better just typing that I am scared. So, for 2012, these last three months where I get to carry my baby boy around with me everywhere I go…I am going to try my best to let God calm my worries…fill my spirit with pure excitement, optimism, and complete TRUST that this baby is exactly who God wants us to raise, love, have in our family. This boy is fearfully, and wonderfully made, rest in that truth. Perfect in the eyes of God, and perfect for our family. Let the worries go. Enjoy holding my baby. Smile at the gift of being able to feel kicks, a joy that so many women dream of. And, again trust that God will prepare us to be the best parents for this child too.
“I am adequate in You.” These words pop out to me on something I had written at Laurel Ridge this summer. I am not adequate in my house, I am not adequate if I had enough money, enough friends, or really with a great family. I am adequate in God alone. With God and the truths of who I am as a woman of God, I am complete. I too am fearfully and wonderfully made. God knows every mistake, wrong turn I have made, and He still adores me.
“You make beautiful things. You make beautiful things out of dust. You make beautiful things, You make beautiful things out of us.”
A prayer I prayed at Laurel Ridge, July 2011: “Thank you for opening my eyes to the joy another baby will bring. In your perfect timing, I thank you for the gift to You that one day You will share with Ben & I. I thank you in advance for this.” Wow, pray in confidence. Children are a gift, a blessing to God, a gift to us for a short time. Children are not just our own. They are the God’s and I get to love Paxton, teach him about a God that adores Him and already knows everything about him. There is joy in that.
Ok, onto a different topic. I feel like a college student with a deadline. Charlotte is asleep on the chair beside me, it is 8 pm and I want desperately to not forget all of the events, thoughts, challenges and joys of 2011. I started off just wanting to remember Christmas. But now, I feel like the new year is crashing in!
A few more Christmas thoughts…
A few weeks before Christmas, CZ and I were in the mall. We rounded a corner and Charlotte held my hand even tighter. “There he is, he is real, he really is….I cannot beeeeelieeeeve it!” Grinning and giggling with her hand over her mouth as she saw Santa. What fun.
As Christmas got closer, Santa I think became scary. Buddy the Elf was watching her closely. We told her that Buddy was watching to see if she slept in her own bed or not. (We have really bad sleeping habits, and CZ often sleeps in our bed….we have coined our method the “Willy Wonka” method. We all snuggle up together.) So a few days after we told her that, she said “Buddy can tell Santa I don’t want any toys, I just want to sleep in Mommy and Daddy’s bed.” Ok, melt our heart. We are such suckers. She told this story to a few other people.
One day she whispered to Buddy that she also wanted candy, in addition to the baby doll she told Santa. CZ really didn’t want much at all this year. It was pretty simple and she was thrilled with her doll and new purse.
Christmas stops went something like this: Dinner with Scott & Ericka, Nana & Grandad’s, Christmas Eve at our church, fondue at Mimi’s house, Christmas morning at home, Nan & Pops, Ama & Grandpas, then dinner with the Cornett’s, and dinner with Sarah & Greg. Each stop was rich and sweet, topped with a huge dose of hyper. Charlotte might sum up these as inside jokes from these stops: “Butter pajamas” (Scott); “Papa says Brock doesn’t have a girlfriend, I just don’t think that is right,” “12, 12, 12, 12” Counting cards with Grant & Stacy, racing the new leggos off the stairs with Alex and Maggie, snuggling in matching pj’s with Kayla because “Cousins always get matching pj’s on Christmas, and it’s a favorite part” according to Kayla.
CZ was more smiley, and giddy than I have ever seen her. I wish I could wrap that up and open it up on a rainy grumpy day. She had a blast!
TODAY, I wish I could unwrap that joy, and enjoy it. Enjoy that sweet joy today. Instead, to enjoy Middle School. Time to focus.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
2012
As the clock struck midnight...Ben and I quietly, with one she opened, held hands and watched Pepper dance iny belly. Pepper is what I am most excited about greating in 2012!
New years day is one of my favorite days of the year. My slate feels clean. I love the feeling of newness.
Cheers to new beginnings, new birth, new hope.
XOXO
Saturday, December 17, 2011
7 years
4 friends. Two weddings. Three babies. Beach trips. Charlotte Dancin'. Mama Mia. Bon fires. Chicken stews. Dinner dates. Art nights. Art studios. Movie marathons (exempt me on that one). Birthday shin digs. Milestone birthdays. St. Patty's day parties. Showers. A townhouse, a trailer, a project, a new home. Learning how to be good teachers, learning how to be good wives, learning how to heal, learning how to be good moms, learning how to have true friendships...together. Loving, forgiving, forgetting, encouraging, straight forward, forever friends.
Cheers to the first annual Dutton, Mallory, Miller, Watts Christmas party. My heart is full of memories with these friends.
Friday, December 16, 2011
Waiting
Waiting is a period of learning.
Pregnancy,
engagement,
long distance friendship,
Advent.
Waiting is learning.
The longer we wait, the more we learn.
This blog keeps me grounded, makes me cry,
reminds me to pray, inspires and gives me hope:
www.teachingtuckandty.blogspot.com
Pregnancy,
engagement,
long distance friendship,
Advent.
Waiting is learning.
The longer we wait, the more we learn.
This blog keeps me grounded, makes me cry,
reminds me to pray, inspires and gives me hope:
www.teachingtuckandty.blogspot.com
Monday, November 28, 2011
A place called home.
How we ended up here is complicated. If we make it through these projects alive, married, and with completion it will be a miracle. The pregnancy hormones mixed with the FB posts of every body's perfect homes with perfect trees are about to throw me over the edge. That said, major accomplishments have been made, that I need to give note to. These pictures are blurry, but you know what, so is my attitude. It is fitting.
COUNTER-TOPS!! CABINETS!! Whooo-hoooo! This is huge. I will soon have space for our minimalist "stuff." A "new-to-us" stove via good friends. The rest of the counter tops should be here this week!! The little pic to the right...this is so the washer lid doesn't hit me in the face :) And, it is attached to MORE SHELVES! I dream of being organized, my house being tidy. And, be careful what you wish for, I know. It has been kind of nice having a loooong list of excuses as to why I can't cook, or clean, or yada yada.
A vacuum that works! Thank you black Friday. A door on our pantry. And,
a super cool new mailbox. I'm ready for your Christmas cards to arrive!
So, amidst the chaos of our so called home...there has been a lot of headway. I am very appreciative of my husband for sacrificing sleep and working on his very hurt foot. I am trying to be patient, but I'm not doing a very good job at it. Please pray for my patience, that I will pitch in and help joyfully, that I will focus on the true meaning of Christmas, not compare my situation to others, and that I won't get wrapped up in unnecessary details.
Jesus was born in a manger. Just sayin'.
COUNTER-TOPS!! CABINETS!! Whooo-hoooo! This is huge. I will soon have space for our minimalist "stuff." A "new-to-us" stove via good friends. The rest of the counter tops should be here this week!! The little pic to the right...this is so the washer lid doesn't hit me in the face :) And, it is attached to MORE SHELVES! I dream of being organized, my house being tidy. And, be careful what you wish for, I know. It has been kind of nice having a loooong list of excuses as to why I can't cook, or clean, or yada yada.
A vacuum that works! Thank you black Friday. A door on our pantry. And,
a super cool new mailbox. I'm ready for your Christmas cards to arrive!
So, amidst the chaos of our so called home...there has been a lot of headway. I am very appreciative of my husband for sacrificing sleep and working on his very hurt foot. I am trying to be patient, but I'm not doing a very good job at it. Please pray for my patience, that I will pitch in and help joyfully, that I will focus on the true meaning of Christmas, not compare my situation to others, and that I won't get wrapped up in unnecessary details.
Jesus was born in a manger. Just sayin'.
Wednesday, November 16, 2011
Excited
I'm so sorry sweet Pepper, your mom is a dork! But, your mommy is so excited. I didn't know if I would be excited if the news was boy. But, I am. So...I am celebrating. First, a blue painted pepper. First, on FB then all over the "school" news! Pepper had his first appearance on the MMS TV NEWS....announcing that you are a boy :) It was cute! Yesterday, my top priority was painting a shirt to wear today. I'm loving wearing it. What an exciting day. Oh, to be a mom of a boy. I hear I need more energy. It will be okay. And, I'm glad CZ can keep the stage to herself, in the pink and girly world!
P.S. The "real" name will 96% not be Pepper.
Today, it is Paxton "Pax" Barrett Miller :)
But, I like the name game too much to cut
off the votes quite yet. (Pax means peace,
I love that) And, I love this baby boy. he he
Ba
P.S. The "real" name will 96% not be Pepper.
Today, it is Paxton "Pax" Barrett Miller :)
But, I like the name game too much to cut
off the votes quite yet. (Pax means peace,
I love that) And, I love this baby boy. he he
Ba
Monday, November 14, 2011
I need to remember these moments,
I am reminded! Every afternoon, Cz is in a "big time bossy, I went to school today mood." Today, she insisted that both daddy and I participate in an "activibity." Today it was stickers and paper. This is daddy's art, it reads, "daddy loves sports-cars, dawg." Pretty clever, I say!
This evening turned out to be great. I love random moments of fun! We hunted for something clever to use for "tile" in the kitchen. We found some cool marble-like stuff at Michaels. Daddy and Cz were pretty cute sitting on the floor in the store planning out the floor.
Getting Cz into and out of the car is becoming an ordeal. The conversation about how many babies can come and how many purses she can bring is both hallarious and getting old. "My baby will freak out if she doesn't come inside. She will cry, so so loud". "Mommy, if I can't take two purses I will be so so so so so so sad." She is a sales person.
Fun pics of shadows. Ok, I'll be honest Cz was not happy to take these pictures. But, I pretty much demanded them. The moment looking at the shadows was fun, it was when I wanted a picture that I ruined that moment.
Dinner. Big time Daddy/Charlotte laughs. They shared rootbeer. Ben made the mistake of calling her a "beer queen." Great...so, if you hear her say this...remind her she is a ROOTbeer queen. Then, it was a rootbeer float and ice cream cone...in CZ's face. I know, we are such a great influence. The memory was fun. And, that is important too. "Daddy, your lucky I didn't put my ice cream in your drink," she whispered in Ben's ear. Charlotte is getting really witty. This is good and bad.
This was the last night not knowing if Charlotte will have a brother or sister. I am really excited to know. Not that it really matters, we will be happy either way. I just want to know. My sweet Charlotte really needs a break from the conversation though. She is really nervous about mommy having another baby. "Will you wear a mask? Can I sit on your lap after Pepper is born? Will you still love me when Pepper is born? Can you still hold me? Will you always be my mommy?". After too many questions and a lot of reassurance, I held her sweet hand and it was sweaty.
Life is changing. It is exciting and scary. I am basking I'm the exciting for a moment. And, it feels good. Maybe I should postpond my doc appt. Just kidding. Doc appt's are exciting and hard on your nerves. What is important is that the baby is healthy and my family is healthy and safe.
Last thought. "God, thank you for my family. And, keep them safe like you normally do." From the heart of my Charlotte. Thankful you for my many blessings!
Tuesday, November 8, 2011
Tokens of joy
Tokens of joy. A growing belly. Art that CZ carries everywhere, that has become my favorite. Candles and a sombrero. Jewelry that signifies my sweet baby. A new "tea" cup. A new devotional. A free trip to Starbucks. Fresh flowers. FB messages. Happy Birthday sung by two year olds for the first time. Or, homemade birthday parties that your three year old is still insisting of having every afternoon in the studio. Tokens I treasure.
32, a reflection
-CZ is was a "frog princess" for Halloween.
-Liz was a "piece of work" & Ben was Dr. Phil. He pulled it off so well, it freaked me out. totally. --Fun party at Heather's house.
-Love weekly bible study, even when I feel too busy for it.
-Still seeking peace in this journey called life...the house...liveable yet floats between comfortable and project hell.
-Still in crazy debt. Semi-ignoring the issues, not seeing the light. But, trusting that we will figure it all out. We have jobs, and do not make irrational decisions, any more. Usually.
-Prego with Pepper....what a joy after those last bullet marks.
-Trying to not stress about a new baby or freak out to the comment, "oh I bet you are having fun planning the nursery." Not quite sure where the baby will sleep. Probably as the Miller's have coined, "Willy Wonka Style." We all just snuggle up and fall asleep. Oh my.
-SO SO thankful for my family. ALL of my family. They make my life so much more joy filled and they never add to my stress. That is so much to be thankful for.
I like my job.
-I am prego exhausted and drink coffee at 3pm.
-I have the best little girl ever. "Mom. MOMMM. MOM," Cz is yelling. "WHAT?!" "I love you," she responds. I love how she is so loving. And, I treasure the time I have with her.
-I am thankful for my friends. I'm excited about all of the new babies around. Even though, just like them, I am waiting for a new normal to surface.
-My husband is cute, not in a Dr. Phil costume though. I love how he teaches Sunday School, I love to see him talking with the kids. I LOVE that he painted a butterfly on CZ's face before school today. I enjoyed out lunch date. We are in a good place. We don't freak out about the scary parts of life. We together are thankful and optimistic. And, I forgive him for leaving for VEGAS for a freakin' week...on my birthday.
Birthdays are fun. They make you nostalgic. They make you analyze what in the heck you have done or accomplished the past year. Are you better off? Have you made headway? What does my life look like? You can choose to be sad....seriously, I'm 32, in debt, a project house, and lots of loose ends. Or you can choose to rejoice. REJOICE. Another year. Blessings galore. So many things but most importantly, relationships and "gifts" to be thankful for. And, I am very thankful for week #17...a little more energy. Thanks pepper! I love you all who read this. In some way, you make my life "rich," and that is what matters.
Friday, October 14, 2011
Texts
I love the text updates I often get throughout the day from my amazing caregiver, my mom. This was today:
"But my mouth doesn't want to stop whining."
"Do you know why I don't like macaroni? Because it has holes in it and it hurts my belly."
"The peanut butter sandwich doesn't want me to eat it...and I'm going to do whatever it says."
"I want pistachios because they always make my belly feel better."
"Ama, what are you writing?" "Oh, a grocery list."
This sums up Charlotte this week. Difficult. There aren't many weeks like this, but this week has been a rough one. She challenges everything you say. "Do you want nuggets, and peas?" Yes, she will respond. And, then give you every excuse under the sun as to why she should not eat it.
The funny thing is, she knows she's being annoying. In the car each afternoon this week, she has given herself a lecture. A lecture on: listening, not using your whiny voice, and using nice words. She gets it. Hopefully she will start listening to her own lectures.
"But my mouth doesn't want to stop whining."
"Do you know why I don't like macaroni? Because it has holes in it and it hurts my belly."
"The peanut butter sandwich doesn't want me to eat it...and I'm going to do whatever it says."
"I want pistachios because they always make my belly feel better."
"Ama, what are you writing?" "Oh, a grocery list."
This sums up Charlotte this week. Difficult. There aren't many weeks like this, but this week has been a rough one. She challenges everything you say. "Do you want nuggets, and peas?" Yes, she will respond. And, then give you every excuse under the sun as to why she should not eat it.
The funny thing is, she knows she's being annoying. In the car each afternoon this week, she has given herself a lecture. A lecture on: listening, not using your whiny voice, and using nice words. She gets it. Hopefully she will start listening to her own lectures.
Wednesday, October 12, 2011
The Need To Blog
I feel a need to blog if its been a while since a post. I miss an old fashioned diary, but in lots of ways this is more fun. I like being able to share...and I don't really care if anyone reads it or not...it is therapy. Free therapy. I miss my wine therapy though, I must say.
Why I blog:
1. Something happens I want to remember that is:
a. good
b. challenging
c. character building
2. I'm irritated, frustrated, or annoyed.
3. I'm encouraged.
4. I need to vent.
So, today...I need to remember the good. And, I need to vent. Both, to follow. I do always try to keep it honest. There is the good, the bad, the challenging, and the adorable...sometimes these all exist in the same moment. I appreciate blogs that are real.
Why do you blog?
Why I blog:
1. Something happens I want to remember that is:
a. good
b. challenging
c. character building
2. I'm irritated, frustrated, or annoyed.
3. I'm encouraged.
4. I need to vent.
So, today...I need to remember the good. And, I need to vent. Both, to follow. I do always try to keep it honest. There is the good, the bad, the challenging, and the adorable...sometimes these all exist in the same moment. I appreciate blogs that are real.
Why do you blog?
Monday, October 10, 2011
Anna Jayne
I love you. Oh, the wait for you has been hard....like for years :). I can't wait to hold you and kiss you and watch you grow. 10.9.11, a perfect day for your birthday. Now, get out of the nursery so we can stare more closely!!
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