December 29, 2008
8:50 p.m.
Today was a reality check.
Last night was a get straight with Jesus night. For real. Ben and I cried and cried. For the first time, I was very scared. I have been mad, I have been angry, yes I am embarrassed. But last night I was scared. There is barely enough money to pay our bills.
Last night, Ben sweetly took me into bed to snuggle. He prayed the most beautiful prayer I have ever heard. I balled. It was so sincere. It was Jesus talking through my husband. And, that sounds so ridiculous, or to some it sounds so churchy. But, it was awesome. It was like a 6 year old prayer was answered. Answered admist the harsh reality of DEBT, of fear, of regret. But, my husband was really relying on the strength of God. To be able to say, that I am going to work hard for my business to make it, but I’m not scared anymore of it failing. I just don’t want to loose my faith. I don’t want to loose my marriage. I don’t want to loose my daughter. Money is not my God. God is. And, He is going to mold us and teach us and use us. It is going to be hard.
The conversation turned. Maybe we need to move in with Ben’s mom. Maybe we need to sell everything we have. Maybe we need to live drastically. “To live like no one else, so we can live like no one else,” like our role model Dave Ramsey would say.
Today we hoped we could avoid that phrase. We tried to consolidate some loans. We tried to refinance the house, get a second mortgage. It didn’t work. We could not take the easy route out.
I cried. I pouted.
Then, I put stuff on Amazon.com. I prayed. I tried to enjoy my day. It was hard.
I talked with my good friend, who answered the phone in tears. Balling. Consumed by debt. Drowning in a business that isn’t doing well. Scared. Scared. Fearful.
I prayed.
We talked.
I decided that I’m going to write my way through this. Record the venture to freedom.
WE ARE GOING TO GET OUT OF THIS hole. This ***** worth of credit card debt. ***** worth of student loans. ****** mortgage. ******* worth of car debt. We are going to make it. And, I hope that you will be inspired by it. That you will grow closer to God. That you will be able to see that this is entirely going to be an act of God. We do not have the power to dig out of this hole. And, you know, maybe we won’t dig out of this hole. Maybe God is going to keep us in it for a while. Maybe we will be living in your basement.
Romans 3:23-26
For everyone has sinned; and we all fall short of God’s glorious standard. Yet God, with undeserved kindness, declares that we are righteous. He did this through Christ Jesus when he freed us from the penalty for our sin. People are made right with God when they believe that Jesus sacrifice his life, shedding his blood. This sacrifice shows that God was being fair when he held back and did not punish those who sinned in times pas, for he was looking ahead and including them in what he would do in this present time. God did this to demonstrate his righteousness, for he himself is fair and just, and declares sinners to be right in his sight when they believe in Jesus.
I say:It’s not fair that I’m in this situation. This is not where I deserve to be. I should be scrapbooking, and shopping, and eating out.
Was it fair that Jesus died for my sins? That Jesus died for me, knowing that I was going to screw up this bad. That I would let it get this far. And, that he would keep loving me. That He will help me through it. That because of this situation, my family is learning what it means to follow Jesus.
Now, what isn’t fair?
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