Drastical Sucks...

the moment you are not admist the spirt of God. The moment you are not prayerful. The moment your feet are "of this world." The moment you rely on your own good intentions. The moment you start saying "what if," "I wish," "I should have..."

Drastical is not easy. Drastical is hard. Drastical takes too long. Drastical is not so fantastical right now.

You know that saying...."if you don't have anything nice to say, don't say anything at all." I kind of feel like that is where I am right now.

Bare with me for a few minutes...I'm going to vent...I'm going to complain...I'm going to exaggerate and make this all seem much worse than it is. And, you are going to wish that I just hadn't said anything at all...

1) We are BROKE. Not poor....but broke. We have been broke for YEARS...but reality is setting in. IT SUCKS. REALLY BAD. Don't feel sorry for me...but we are. We ate at Kimono for $15 dollars last night, and that seemed like a splurge. Seriously. We don't buy anything. So, I'm really starting to feel like a moooooch.

2) I live in a basement with no windows. I sleep on the couch most nights, so when the alarm goes off it doesn't wake up CZ. This little place is a mess...my excuse is that I can't put laundry away after CZ goes to bed. This is a lame complaint. But, I haven't been able to "host" friends since December.

3) I feel disconnected to life because I don't have a place to host. THIS is an exaggeration. I have had friends over here. I have EXCELLENT, WONDERFUL, not-in-my-face-at-all gives me space in-laws (they do exist). But, it's not the same. So, I feel like some of my friendships have grown apart a bit. I miss Wednesday night bible study/eat/hang out nights. YES, we do this other places, other times....but I miss being the leader of this.

4) 2 steps FORWARD, 2 steps BACK: You get everything caught up. NO cars sell. Stuff gets behind. You catch up. 12% interest becomes 29%. CREDIT CARDS ARE OF THE DEVIL. Who cares about your credit score, your points, whatever....there is nothing good about these evil evil people. They LIE, lie, LIE. I'm SO glad that most of you guys that read this are more responsible and organized than I ever will be...so you would never pay something 3 days late. But, it sucks.

5) I have house envy. Envy in general. Jealousy. Resentment. Not characteristics that are typical of me. This will be fleeting, I'm praying through it...but it sucks to have these feelings. Not fun.

6) Oh, back to the 2 steps forward, 2 steps back: I HAVE MY MASTERS. YIPPEE. Pay raise!
Teachers are getting a pay decrease. 2 steps forward, 2 steps back.

Have you ever been asked the question: Are you okay? You respond "yes." And, you feel like you just commited the biggest lie of all times. "If you have nothing good to say, don't say anything good at all." Is that what you really are supposed to do? I'm thinking there is a fine line there.

I'M DONE COMPLAINING....THIS IS THE OTHER SIDE OF THE FENCE. Let's see if I can find the other side of 1-6:
1) broke: I've never in my life grasped the concept of giving. I'm selfish. I think about myself. By being broke, I'm realizing how much I wish that I could take my mom out to lunch (freaking lunch, come on...this is not expensive)....how much I wish that I was the one buying Charlotte anything. We obvioulsy have not been good "stewards" of our money....and unfortunately this is effecting everyone around us. I see this. In the shower we have written "Live like no one else, so you can LIVE like no one else." Ben marked out LIVE to GIVE. I also see that giving doesn't always come in the form of money...but how much art does someone really need? And, isn't everyone sick of me lingering around? (okay, exaggerating again)

2) My in-laws are AMAZING. Seriously, it is possible. Basically I have live in child care. They get mad if they don't get to watch Charlotte often enough. When we get close to home, I ask Charlotte if she wants to see Mimi & Papa and she LIGHTS up. Papa Bill was in the yard when we got home yesterday, and Charlotte ran to him. RAN. Charlotte will crawl to the top of the stairs and say nock nock on the door. There are benefits to living here. Oh, the other BIG one is....and the only area that I admittedly take advantage of living here...Bill & Pam take great care of Molly and Bitzy. They feel like they are at camp.

3) THE Q. Heather, Kristen & I got a gallery space downtown. This is my one "splurge" so I need to get downtown and enjoy it. We have a huge space (with a window). I've always dreamed of having a store/gallery....now I think I have stage fright. I don't know what to do with it....but, this is a space to host, share, play, dream....just gotta do it.

4) God is good, all of the time. I wrote the bitch-session yesterday. Today, I can see more clearly. Perserverance. Patience. Consistancy. Order. I'm working on all of the above....I hope these efforts STICK with me. They have to! We keep learning in church about how God is a God of ORDER. There is order in nature, order in the house, order in the church. I've got to improve in this area. I want Charlotte to grow up in an orderly house. No, I'm not talking no dirt...I'm talking well run. And, by the way the LIEING credit card company FINALLY was rational today...and it is not the end of the world. (like it really was going to be yesterday). Ugh.

5) See #4. Patience. See #2, there are benefits to living here. PRAY pray PRAY that we will make a good decision as to what we do next....where we go. PRAY that we will manage our money better...businessess better....house better....Pray we will allow God to be in control when life is good and bad.

6) 15 days until SUMMER. A break. Pray that I will use my time wisely. Enjoy Charlotte totally.

What a ramble......there is so much other left out drasticalities.

The BIG drasticality lately....our new campus at church has opened. Calvary West. It is awesome. It is home. It is challenging. It is exciting. It is real.

And, I'm real tired.

OH, I'm working on my "Summer of Cye" series. Stay tuned on www.creativeandcolorful.com. Soon to come... I'm drawing & painting loveable cyclopses this summer. Fun.