If I could find my sketchbook, I'd draw.

Not sure what I would draw...some swirls and see what happens probably.

I feel nervous. I just wrote out a "renewal lease" for our townhouse tennant whose lease is up at the end of January. If she doesn't renew, it's waiting tables time for me. That thought makes me want to vomit. But, I need to have HOPE IN THE LORD that He will provide what I need. That is not always what I want. Okay, I can breath a little better now. It's not in my hands. I'll keep you posted.

And, I hear my little gal calling "Mommy" from the bed. Life it going to work out.

Optimism...again!

And, a new "blog" look! Today, I'm thankful to be a teacher. Yes, I know that teachers always say that when they are not teaching. But, I am thankful to have a job. I am thankful that I get to do art all day. I'm thankful that I get to spend my day with kids that are never dull. I am thankful that my job gives me BRAKES & PAUSES. I need this.

I don't think I could do any job without time to recharge.

Merry Christmas!

It has been a Christmas surrounded by family and friends. Fun. Simplicity and Peace.

Seeing old friends. Almost ALL family. Yummy Food. Enough DOLLS for a daycare. Enough "Merry Christmas" from the mouth of a two year old to melt EVERY un-believing heart. It has been "amazing" "beautiful" "ohhhh pretty."

I feel full of peace. I feel full of family.

Look into your past...

to understand your future? That is what I am doing tonight.

And, let me remind you...that I'm happy if you read my blog (you handful of faithful followers), but let me remind you that this is part of my self therapy.

A random staff member told me on Friday, that he could "sense" my "loss of joy." Great, another person that can see through my the happy face that I try and keep. I was kind of irritated by his comment...but at the same time I told him that I appreciated his intuitiveness. He said that he would pray that the break would be a time of healing. A time of peace. A time for me to let go. A time for be to find my joy again...and that he prayed that I would never let the devil steal my joy again. I pray that his prayer is answered.

You know, life is never going to be easy again. And, I think that this has been the first year that being an adult has hit me. It hit me hard.

Since I have been teaching, my annual goal over Christmas break has always been to create a scrap book of that year. I just now remembered that this is what I usually aim to do. It happened quite a few years. But, my goal this year is to relax. Not have expectations. Calm down. Meditate on the meaning of Christmas. And pray for the new year. And of course really cherish time with Charlotte!

********
Financial Peace. I pray for financial peace.
POSITIVE note: Ben & I paid off $11,394 towards debt this year. We saved $13,420 or more by renting out our townhouse. We did not accumulate any more debt this year, paid off some medical bills, and did not charge anything this year. This is very positive!!!
This time of year makes me nervous. Buying Christmas presents makes me nervous, because it is money that we still don't have (even though I did not buy much at all!). But, it also makes me nervous because I look back at the year. Did I have any clue this time last year what was going on in my world? I think not. And, I'm anxious about the new year. We are about to have a new house...new expenses. Ben's business is not making much money. And, if our renter does not renew her lease...we are going to be in a mound of trouble. So, I know if it gets worse...our drastical measures are going to have to continue. Even more drastical. I don't want a second job...but is that what I will have to do?? Ugh, I don't even want to think about it. But, I pray that God will provide. Not just the money we need...but a strong enough faith and spirit to joyfully make it through whatever.
********

Okay...so, Christmas & the turn of a new year always makes me even more introspective than usual. So, for some reason my journal from 1998 was in Pam's house. Barely room to move, but hey, I have journals from 1998!

This is some of what I read...

1/1/1998: "I will not be successful in my life if it is lived for me. If I don't make someone's life a little bit better or happier than I will be a failure. If I am unhappy or un-content I will not be successful. If I am not at peace with my relationship with God and not striving to do his will, I will be unsuccessful. I pray I will be successful."

1/1/1998: "My dreams are huge! Of an awesome man, of my cute little house, my cute little kids, my cute little paintings...or my adventure around the world, volunteering, painting, seeing, living, learning, loving...more than anything I don't want $$ to rule my life. There is so much I really want to do and I don't want to fall into a trap. But, I don't want my dreams to be so big that I don't have time to live them...I want to start being really excited about things again.....I want to start being over joyed with whatever is given to me every second. I want to run with it and sing for joy. I don't want to worry, or wonder, just rejoice and run. I want to sing praises to God and to pray again and trust that he will let me keep my personality while gaining that of Jesus. I want to begin again to CELEBRATE the temporary. Both alone and in company. But, remembering that I am not alone...I will always have Jesus. Promise."

Pretty wise at 18, I say.

Goodnight...

There is more I wanted to say, but my husband came home before 10. YIPPEE.

Sunshine

Okay, so I have to blog about this really quick before I forget. Actually, I know that I will never forget...but, I'm told that I will.

I woke up this morning sick on my stomach (NO I am NOT pregnant). I didn't feel well at all...but I went to work.

Ben was taking Charlotte to Ama's this morning and he told CZ that mommy was sick, her tummy hurts. Charlotte said, "mommy sick." "pray." And, she folded her hands.

Talk about amazing. I am proud!

And, I feel fine.

PMA

On a prominent "criminal" in Winston-Salem, I got an up close and personal view of his bracelet. It read PMA which stands for "positive mental attitude." My BMA (bad mental attitude), smart alek self told this man that I would probably draw mean dots all over it. It was a Monday, and lately I am grumpy and pessimistic. I didn't stop to think that what I'm going through doesn't even compare to what he has gone through. He stopped to think about the date and said that today was when he was indited two years ago. There was a little bit of small talk and he said that a PMA has had to get him through a lot. He said that he doesn't want to forget where he has been, because it has been character building. It is a part of his story he said. But, he is more thankful now than he ever has been.

This week my PRAYER...my goal is that I will see the glass as half full, for a change. Having to convince myself to be optimistic is not normal for me. I really am usually optimistic, easy going, happy-go-lucky, despite whatever is going on. But, I've never had "challenges" like I'm having now. It is not easy to be optimistic. It is hard to see through the crap that is surrounding me for some reason. BUT, I'm going to try and see it from a PMA.

I want to focus on what I have. NOT on what I don't have.
--Charlotte says "lush you" now. She runs up behind me and says "back hug" and gives me a squeezing hug! She smiles and gives silly giggles ALL of the time. She is SO stinkin' cute. She hugged and loved on Roxey (Andrew's dog) for about an hour...giving her kisses and hugs. Charlotte waved at everyone as she left church today. When I asked her what we should do before we go to bed, she said "hands" (which means pray). We said our prayers. Then I said, "where is Jesus." She says, "everywhere...heart...mommy's heart." I melted. She is the absolute happiest kid ever. I have a wonderful daughter.
--I have a mom and dad that give and give and give and give to me. They never ask, "what the heck is going on you are a grumpy beeeeeeatch." But, they put my clothes in the dryer when I bring them over because my washer is broken. And, they fill up my wine glass. I am thankful to go to another place that still feels like home.
-- I have friends that STEP up when they know that I'm struggling. Neel selflessly helped Ben all weekend loooooooong. Mollie called to check on me. And, Neel helped without saying "dude this is never going to get done!"
-- I have a warm comfortable place to live.
-- I am lucky to have Heather as a co-worker. She makes work fun.
-- I have a husband that is working his a** off for Charlotte and I.

I WANT to find PEACE in God so I can live in peace with myself, with Ben, with our circumstances, with others. This was the "write this down" part of church today. I don't want to have faith in the house being done to give us peace. I KNOW that it won't. In fact, with the house being finished come a lot of other challenges. I don't want in "more time" will give me peace. Or more of whatever.... Do I not trust the bible? GOD will provide to those that seek him.

I guess that is where it is hard. I feel like I have been trying my best (yes, faith in works is dead) to have faith and trust and follow God. And, the house is not done, Ben is super super stressed, Molly's Motors is barely floating, so money issues could very easily get bad again, and I seem resentful, angry, and unpeaceful. SO, what do you do????

LET IT GO. LET IT GO. KEEP moving!! GIVE to others. FOCUS on what you have. FOCUS on who God is and what He has done for me. DO NOT have faith in this world.

SO, PMA. PMA. I pray.

No room in the Inn

Luke 2:1-20 (New International Version)
Luke 2
The Birth of Jesus 1In those days Caesar Augustus issued a decree that a census should be taken of the entire Roman world. 2(This was the first census that took place while Quirinius was governor of Syria.) 3And everyone went to his own town to register.
4So Joseph also went up from the town of Nazareth in Galilee to Judea, to Bethlehem the town of David, because he belonged to the house and line of David. 5He went there to register with Mary, who was pledged to be married to him and was expecting a child. 6While they were there, the time came for the baby to be born, 7and she gave birth to her firstborn, a son. She wrapped him in cloths and placed him in a manger, because there was no room for them in the inn.
The Shepherds and the Angels 8And there were shepherds living out in the fields nearby, keeping watch over their flocks at night. 9An angel of the Lord appeared to them, and the glory of the Lord shone around them, and they were terrified. 10But the angel said to them, "Do not be afraid. I bring you good news of great joy that will be for all the people. 11Today in the town of David a Savior has been born to you; he is Christ[a] the Lord. 12This will be a sign to you: You will find a baby wrapped in cloths and lying in a manger."
13Suddenly a great company of the heavenly host appeared with the angel, praising God and saying, 14"Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace to men on whom his favor rests."
15When the angels had left them and gone into heaven, the shepherds said to one another, "Let's go to Bethlehem and see this thing that has happened, which the Lord has told us about."
16So they hurried off and found Mary and Joseph, and the baby, who was lying in the manger. 17When they had seen him, they spread the word concerning what had been told them about this child, 18and all who heard it were amazed at what the shepherds said to them. 19But Mary treasured up all these things and pondered them in her heart. 20The shepherds returned, glorifying and praising God for all the things they had heard and seen, which were just as they had been told.

Do you think Mary was stressed because she was unmarried, giving birth to our Savior and he was born in a manger because there was no room in the Inn? Maybe my worries aren't as bad as I think?!

Searching for optimism in the arms of Christ-mas.