Look into your past...

to understand your future? That is what I am doing tonight.

And, let me remind you...that I'm happy if you read my blog (you handful of faithful followers), but let me remind you that this is part of my self therapy.

A random staff member told me on Friday, that he could "sense" my "loss of joy." Great, another person that can see through my the happy face that I try and keep. I was kind of irritated by his comment...but at the same time I told him that I appreciated his intuitiveness. He said that he would pray that the break would be a time of healing. A time of peace. A time for me to let go. A time for be to find my joy again...and that he prayed that I would never let the devil steal my joy again. I pray that his prayer is answered.

You know, life is never going to be easy again. And, I think that this has been the first year that being an adult has hit me. It hit me hard.

Since I have been teaching, my annual goal over Christmas break has always been to create a scrap book of that year. I just now remembered that this is what I usually aim to do. It happened quite a few years. But, my goal this year is to relax. Not have expectations. Calm down. Meditate on the meaning of Christmas. And pray for the new year. And of course really cherish time with Charlotte!

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Financial Peace. I pray for financial peace.
POSITIVE note: Ben & I paid off $11,394 towards debt this year. We saved $13,420 or more by renting out our townhouse. We did not accumulate any more debt this year, paid off some medical bills, and did not charge anything this year. This is very positive!!!
This time of year makes me nervous. Buying Christmas presents makes me nervous, because it is money that we still don't have (even though I did not buy much at all!). But, it also makes me nervous because I look back at the year. Did I have any clue this time last year what was going on in my world? I think not. And, I'm anxious about the new year. We are about to have a new house...new expenses. Ben's business is not making much money. And, if our renter does not renew her lease...we are going to be in a mound of trouble. So, I know if it gets worse...our drastical measures are going to have to continue. Even more drastical. I don't want a second job...but is that what I will have to do?? Ugh, I don't even want to think about it. But, I pray that God will provide. Not just the money we need...but a strong enough faith and spirit to joyfully make it through whatever.
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Okay...so, Christmas & the turn of a new year always makes me even more introspective than usual. So, for some reason my journal from 1998 was in Pam's house. Barely room to move, but hey, I have journals from 1998!

This is some of what I read...

1/1/1998: "I will not be successful in my life if it is lived for me. If I don't make someone's life a little bit better or happier than I will be a failure. If I am unhappy or un-content I will not be successful. If I am not at peace with my relationship with God and not striving to do his will, I will be unsuccessful. I pray I will be successful."

1/1/1998: "My dreams are huge! Of an awesome man, of my cute little house, my cute little kids, my cute little paintings...or my adventure around the world, volunteering, painting, seeing, living, learning, loving...more than anything I don't want $$ to rule my life. There is so much I really want to do and I don't want to fall into a trap. But, I don't want my dreams to be so big that I don't have time to live them...I want to start being really excited about things again.....I want to start being over joyed with whatever is given to me every second. I want to run with it and sing for joy. I don't want to worry, or wonder, just rejoice and run. I want to sing praises to God and to pray again and trust that he will let me keep my personality while gaining that of Jesus. I want to begin again to CELEBRATE the temporary. Both alone and in company. But, remembering that I am not alone...I will always have Jesus. Promise."

Pretty wise at 18, I say.

Goodnight...

There is more I wanted to say, but my husband came home before 10. YIPPEE.