PMA

On a prominent "criminal" in Winston-Salem, I got an up close and personal view of his bracelet. It read PMA which stands for "positive mental attitude." My BMA (bad mental attitude), smart alek self told this man that I would probably draw mean dots all over it. It was a Monday, and lately I am grumpy and pessimistic. I didn't stop to think that what I'm going through doesn't even compare to what he has gone through. He stopped to think about the date and said that today was when he was indited two years ago. There was a little bit of small talk and he said that a PMA has had to get him through a lot. He said that he doesn't want to forget where he has been, because it has been character building. It is a part of his story he said. But, he is more thankful now than he ever has been.

This week my PRAYER...my goal is that I will see the glass as half full, for a change. Having to convince myself to be optimistic is not normal for me. I really am usually optimistic, easy going, happy-go-lucky, despite whatever is going on. But, I've never had "challenges" like I'm having now. It is not easy to be optimistic. It is hard to see through the crap that is surrounding me for some reason. BUT, I'm going to try and see it from a PMA.

I want to focus on what I have. NOT on what I don't have.
--Charlotte says "lush you" now. She runs up behind me and says "back hug" and gives me a squeezing hug! She smiles and gives silly giggles ALL of the time. She is SO stinkin' cute. She hugged and loved on Roxey (Andrew's dog) for about an hour...giving her kisses and hugs. Charlotte waved at everyone as she left church today. When I asked her what we should do before we go to bed, she said "hands" (which means pray). We said our prayers. Then I said, "where is Jesus." She says, "everywhere...heart...mommy's heart." I melted. She is the absolute happiest kid ever. I have a wonderful daughter.
--I have a mom and dad that give and give and give and give to me. They never ask, "what the heck is going on you are a grumpy beeeeeeatch." But, they put my clothes in the dryer when I bring them over because my washer is broken. And, they fill up my wine glass. I am thankful to go to another place that still feels like home.
-- I have friends that STEP up when they know that I'm struggling. Neel selflessly helped Ben all weekend loooooooong. Mollie called to check on me. And, Neel helped without saying "dude this is never going to get done!"
-- I have a warm comfortable place to live.
-- I am lucky to have Heather as a co-worker. She makes work fun.
-- I have a husband that is working his a** off for Charlotte and I.

I WANT to find PEACE in God so I can live in peace with myself, with Ben, with our circumstances, with others. This was the "write this down" part of church today. I don't want to have faith in the house being done to give us peace. I KNOW that it won't. In fact, with the house being finished come a lot of other challenges. I don't want in "more time" will give me peace. Or more of whatever.... Do I not trust the bible? GOD will provide to those that seek him.

I guess that is where it is hard. I feel like I have been trying my best (yes, faith in works is dead) to have faith and trust and follow God. And, the house is not done, Ben is super super stressed, Molly's Motors is barely floating, so money issues could very easily get bad again, and I seem resentful, angry, and unpeaceful. SO, what do you do????

LET IT GO. LET IT GO. KEEP moving!! GIVE to others. FOCUS on what you have. FOCUS on who God is and what He has done for me. DO NOT have faith in this world.

SO, PMA. PMA. I pray.