Why...

do you have to get in a totally terrible mood sometimes before you can snap out of it.

I've been debating:

1) Drugs (for focusing, PMS--maybe, attitude be gone drugs)
2) Drinking
3) Prayer
4) a road trip

I have had a bad case of a bad mood the past 4ish days. Just blah. Blah. It is like the no sunshine syndrome. I hate when I get like this...I can't figure out if it is every 28 days that this occurs, or if it is when too much "piles on my plate" (like the rest of the world), or what the deal is. I don't think it happens too terribly often, but when I get in a bad mood....I hate it, just as much as everyone else that has to deal with me.

This is what it is like:
* You want something, but you don't know what it is. And if you got it, you don't know if you would still want it.
* You want to talk about it, but you REALLY don't have anything to complain about.
* You feel like you are "neither here nor there." Like you are floating in your own world. Not able to communicate well, not able to focus, not able to prioritize. Just in a funk.
* Someone asks, how are you, and you say "fine" and you know that is a lie...but you can't put a finger on the problem.

IF, I didn't think I was on the verge of GETTING THE $#!@ over myself....I wouldn't be able to blog about it....but, I think I'm about over it.

And, here's how.

1) Church. I listened. "Don't shortchange your kids."
--I feel like I am always multi-tasking. Don't think I'll ever outgrow this, I wish I could. But, tonight, I payed attention to CZ. And, it was fun. I was frustrated about my grumpiness...so I just told my little 1 1/2 year old about it! Poor kid!! No, I didn't tell her I was choosing between drugs, drinking, or prayer. I told her.......if you are happy, or sad, or frustrated, you should pray. So, we walked & sang & prayed. For ALL OF YOU......amma, grampa, mimi, papa, tonia, baby carter, sarah, ALL of you guys. CZ said the AMEN.
"These commandments that I give you today are to be upon your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up." (Deuteronomy 6: 6-7)
** So, I think the moral of the story, is you don't have to find JUST THE RIGHT TIME to spend time with GOD...SPEND it WHERE you are. WHY IS THAT SO HARD?

2) 1 beer and a glass of wine. That helped.......is helping.

3) Called my friends, some of them. I miss my friends. With kids...it is hard to hang out. We gotta get over it.

4) Opened my bible and just read. I found this as I was reading Philippians (the girls from church are reading this book). "Now I want you to know, brothers, that what has happened to me has really served to advance the gospel." Phil. 1: 12
** This was very comforting to me. WHY, you ask? I am very nervous, excited and anxious ALL in one, about the Hampton House. I KNOW beyond a SHADOW of a doubt that this is where we are supposed to move/go next. I AM. But, there are still alot of what if's? When's? What's? QUESTIONS, in general. And, I don't have the answers to many of them. It isn't an ideal situation, no. And, obviously. Ideal would be we had never had any credit cards, we had never made any bad financial decisions. Ideal would be in our townhouse, debt free. Ideal, is on hold. I'm praying that "ideal" by those measures will come at about age 35. (by then, I'm hoping that we will be close to out of credit card debt). SHRED YOUR CREDIT CARDS. I don't care how many points you get, what you get free. get rid of them. I'm done....but, I just needed to remind you. They are bad news!
** How am I SURE that this is where we are supposed to be? We have prayed. We have run the numbers again and again. We are helping Andrew. It will help us, financially. The timing is right.
--Why am I nervous? We are going to be living with someone new, Andrew. He is young. He is a lot like Ben when he was younger, in some ways. He is in a different stage in life than we are. I don't want to be his mom. I don't want to boss anyone around. Remember when you had other roommates? It is hard. And, I don't think that there is much about this house that I'm naively going into. So, I am being over nervous. GOD IS IN CONTROL....why am I forgetting this?
Oh yeah, I'm nervous about $ a little bit. We have "budgeted" the cost of the house...but it all of the other "stuff" that I'm nervous about. AFLUENZA...the want for more! I want plants! a bird feeder! a bedspread X2, flowers for the kitchen table....the list goes on and on! And, there is a ton of bs that we haven't bought much of...I'm nervous about that too. Wow, get a life Liz.
--Why am I anxious? because: when am I moving? I don't know. What is the living room going to look like? I don't know. What is any of it going to look like? I don't know. What colors??? blah blah. The real concern should be: I want this to be a God serving HOME. That was my initial prayer. (NOW, all I can think about is colors! Painting!) And, what does a God serving home look like, anyways? That makes me anxious. I feel VERY inadequate for alot of what is going on in my life right now.
-------Don't you hate it when you feel like you aren't doing anything right? I think this is a female trait. Maybe it only runs in my family. But, when you get started on this tangent...it is hard to stop. I have felt lately: I'm not a good enough teacher to get my National Boards. I'm not good enough for my principle. I'm being a terrible mom because she spends so much time with so many other people. I can't keep the house clean. I am not being a good wife...what shop? I don't get to spend time with my friends. I do the studio half a**, I am not doing my own art.....blah blah blah. anyways....I want to do better.....
--Why am I excited? I'm VERY excited about CZ having her own room. I'm excited about OUR own room. I am very excited about decorating. I'm excited about having people over to MY house, OUR HOUSE.....again. It's a bungalow (small!)....but, what I have missed most over the past 9 months, is hosting.

That was therapeutic. I miss the good ol' journal days. Moral of the story, if you didn't read it, you didn't miss much!!! Love ya'll.